better living through buttermilk. because sour is the new sweet.

Godawful

I was about to delete this seemingly unremarkable bit of religious spam from my last post, but decided, on a whim, to have a look at the site first. It turned out to be a page of rather unusual testimonies from ~~the Church of the Righteous Rich~~ New Creation Church. Here's a sampling of headlines:

Property sold at reasonable price

A job that came with a promotion!

Pay increased by five per cent!

God heard my sighs and blessed my business

And here's the best testimonial of all:

From rock bottom to million-dollar round table!

Dear Pastor Prince,

I would like to share with you about the abundant grace that God poured upon my family and me in 2004.
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At the end of July 2004, my sales hit rock bottom. I was listed last in the whole branch and around 320th out of 420 advisers in the company. I was devastated and cried in my heart. I started to sigh and I told the Lord that I give up totally, and that He has to take over and come true for me.

At that time, you preached the sermon, A Groan Will Reach His Throne. After looking at the board which listed me at the bottom, I walked away, but the words, “the last shall be the first”, rose up and came out of my mouth. It was like the Lord was telling me that He was in control and that He will turn things around.

From August to December 2004, the favour of God was so strong on me when I dealt with millionaire businessmen and doctors in their estate planning (even though the initial meetings were so tensed). His favour descended upon me while I presented and it turned the situation around. Truly, a moment of God’s favour can do much more than what years of fleshly efforts can achieve.

At the end of 2004, for the first time in 12 years, I qualified for the MDRT (million dollar round table). Only the top 6 per cent of advisers in the industry qualify for this international award.

I finished the year as the 2nd top adviser in the branch and 10th in the whole company. I qualified for a trip for two to Barcelona, Spain. It was a business-class flight plus suite-stay all fully paid for by the company! The holiday was worth about $20,000!

Also, I was totally healed of the allergy without me realising it until later!

Hallelujah, all glory to Jesus!

My first thought was that this was a parody site, but my church-going mum has heard of New Creation and assures me it's genuine. There's more here if you really want it.

Awful

I borrowed but, (that anthology of student writing edited by Cyril Wong) from the library on a whim and I don't regret it. It is gloriously terrible. Look:

stalker
by Bernard Koh

i am not your average lover.

my bleeding heart will place his hands
on your shoulders and hold you gently -
firmly under the water until you say yes

or die.

I think this poem would be ten times better if that last line read 'or DIE!!!11' instead.

The other poem that sticks in my mind is by David Tang, who seems to be Singapore's top manufacturer of bathos: 'I Miss You' opens with 'Life seldom treats us well, / I have to strongly state' and does not get much better. It also includes the phrase 'Stygian dimness', which is a bit like saying 'catastrophic inconvenience' or 'Hitlerian naughtiness'.

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Three criticisms I did not expect to hear during stand-by-bed (locker inspection, basically) in an operational unit:

'Your toothpaste tube is too small.'

'Your fork is on the right side of the spoon. Wrong! It should be on the left.'

'Your toilet paper roll. . . funny shape!'

Engrish of the day

More like Engrish of the Year, really. This shirt is the shit.

Daily whine

This morning the whole battalion was supposed to go down to the Carnival@Marina (I cringe to type that) for some strange reason—perhaps the attendance numbers needed a little boost to get the project across the abject failure line—and so, dutiful soldier that I am, I got my blear-eyed self down to Marina station at 0945h on the dot. For what? To wait fifteen minutes for everyone to arrive, take a bus to the carnival proper, brisk walk through half the carnival grounds (a matter of no more than three minutes, I kid you not), and then be told that we were dismissed. 'Thinking organisation' for you.

'NDP memories' indeed

So NDP is over, and what did my unit—barricade-lifting, crowd-controlling, grandstand-constructing sai kang warriors to a man—get for its pains? 3 days of off from the division commander, which our CO, it is (possibly unreliably) said, then cut to one. For the sake of comparison, my friend in Provost got 13 days off.

I'm a little lost for words. It's not surprising that performers should get more off, but 13 times more? Crowd/traffic control may sound easy, but only if you've never done it before. It isn't always the crowds that pose the biggest problems, either.

Example:

(A group of about ten policemen are standing around my gate half an hour after the preview show. Two of them are officers. I am the only SAF man there.

Five police vehicles pull up. They wish to enter. Their officer gets down to speak to me.)

Me: Sorry sir, but my instructions are to prevent all vehicles from entering until further instructions.

Police officer: My men need to go through and load up their stores! Call your superior and ask.

Me: (on walkie talkie) Hullo sir, this is Nicholas. Some police vehicles want to enter through my gate to load up stores. Can I allow them through?

PC: No no no! Why are you asking me this? My instructions were very clear!

Me: (to police officer) Sir, I'm afraid my PC says no vehicles may enter until the roads open.

Police officer: What? Don't waste my time! I want to talk to your PC now.

Me: (on walkie talkie) Hullo sir, this is Nicholas. One of the police officers wants to talk to you.

(no reponse)

(on mobile phone) Sir, Nicholas here. This police officer wants to talk to you—

PC: No no NO! I have no time! You better not call me again unless you want me to give you EXTRA!

Me: (sweatdrop)

(to police officer) Uh, sir, very sorry, but my PC is unavailable at the moment. He says—

Police officer: Ridiculous! What is his rank?

Me: Second lieutenant, sir.

Police officer: (forehead bulge) MEN! Remove these barricades! We are going through!

Policemen: (to me) Sorry ah, brother.

(my barricades are swept away in a tide of blue)

Me: (on mobile phone) Uh, sir, Nicholas again, sosorrytodisturbyou but they uh, removed the barricades and are now entering through my—

PC: WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM!